


of where you can never go

by choppersupportsgirls (earlieststar)



Category: One Piece
Genre: (kinda), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing Hands & Wrists, Lowercase, M/M, Sanji Is Not A Vinsmoke, Self-Worth Issues, Stream of Consciousness, i guess this could be seen as platonic even with the kissing but-, post WCI, this is Messy and Emotional and Unplanned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:01:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26224591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earlieststar/pseuds/choppersupportsgirls
Summary: sanji can do nothing but look, frozen and silent, as luffy brings his face down, turns sanji’s palms up and kisses the inside of his wrists.
Relationships: Monkey D. Luffy/Vinsmoke Sanji
Comments: 5
Kudos: 133





	of where you can never go

**Author's Note:**

> me, strolling up into the sanlu tag with sunglasses, a tequila shot and no control over my life: take this measly token of my affection...  
> i have to warn you that ive never read or watched wci arc and i know everything i do from reading other fanfiction. this might not be accurate to canon, but it barely makes sense out of it either, so. youve been warned.  
> this happened bc sanji deserves so much Love and Care and To Be Held ok i just- *chokes up* i love him and i want him to have nice things (luffy is Nice Things)  
> title is from rebecca solnit's "a field guide to getting lost": 'The color of that distance is the color of an emotion, the color of solitude and of desire, the color of there seen from here, the color of where you are not. And the color of where you can never go.' [re the color blue]

the blue glow of the aquarium makes luffy’s skin a strange tone. it’s haunting, to think of him surrounded by so much water, sometimes - he doesn’t often look vulnerable, but in this corner of the room, surrounded by the colourful fish, and the quiet, and this piece of sea the sunny carries everywhere, he’s a little bit softer around the edges. sanji feels cold, like he’s the one sinking down instead of the one swimming towards luffy, and it feels wrong. what has he done to deserve sunny back? what has he done to deserve them back, their love, their trust?

they said he was allowed, but. they said they were happy with him back, but. his hands are still shivering and he still feels cold. some solitudes are more suffocating than others and sanji - weak, battered, sea-torn and sea-raised, clouded by neverending smoke - never quite learned how to breath.

chopper had forced him into a soft blue hoodie, a well-loved piece of clothing that sanji had almost forgotten he owned, between those two years away from the ship and the chaotic pace since they came back. it smells like soap when he shoves his nose under the collar.

he can feel luffy’s warmth from half a room away, his eyes catching on the movement of muscle under white gauze, the slivers of skin in between beaming with all the surrounding sea. he’s not wearing a shirt, he’s not wearing shoes, but what he truly looks naked without is the smile. he radiates heat from where he’s standing in the door, a gaze sanji is too much of a coward to sustain boring into him and making his blood run faster. he’s so cold, he’s so  _ so _ cold, but what has he done to earn it? he did nothing, not enough, probably will never, and he’s taken this one thing he had managed to get, this family that deemed him worthy, and he’s broken it. luffy had given him a gift and he shattered it, and he still hasn’t done enough to earn it back. what would it even take, after this whole disaster? after all this pain?

he’s hunching his shoulders, curling smaller on the corner of the bench, aware that he can’t breathe and that he hasn’t uncovered half of his face and that his captain is looking at him and he can’t look back. his hands are shivering, he can’t curl his fingers.

“sanji.” it’s just a name, his name, a simple command for attention, and it’s the note of fondness there that makes him flinch. still, who is he to deny? how could he? he hasn’t denied luffy anything yet, not when it mattered, not since he bordered merry all those years ago, and he’s not going to start now, of all times. luffy has never asked anything unkind of him, has never looked at him without respect, has never stopped  _ loving  _ him, even when he did not deserve it. he doesn’t now. he’s shivering. sanji looks up.

heavens know what luffy is searching for while he stares, seconds passing and his face carefully neutral. sanji doesn’t look away, and it makes his eyes burn with strain. he’s so tired, and luffy looks entirely too calm for an anchor of a man surrounded by the sea. sanji’s hands are still shivering when he grasps the collar of his sweatshirt, holds as tight as he can, barely avoiding reaching up to rip hair from his scalp. luffy is looking, and he walks over still looking. he’s not afraid of luffy, but he’s  _ been  _ afraid on an intrinsic level, since he heard that surname again. it’s bone-deep, crawling under his skin. he can’t fight it.

luffy kneels before him - it’s so  _ wrong _ , but sanji can only watch in silence while this emperor of the seas sits in front of him on the floor. his presence fills the room, the entire ship, but he can fit himself between sanji’s legs and it’s wrong. (he hasn’t done enough, he’s done nothing, he’s  _ not- _ ). “sanji,” hands curl up around his, gentle, prying each of his fingers from the death grip they have in the fabric, “sanji.” it’s just a name so  _ why-  _ why does it sound different when  _ he  _ says it? it’s almost pretty, almost like something sanji could love. in luffy’s voice he can forget what comes next, what’s spelled out loud and clear in ink, sealing his fate one wanted poster at a time.

he lets his hands fall limp in luffy’s hold, still shaking. the point of contact is alight, warm and comfortable, and it feels- too good. he lets luffy’s fingers thread through his own, lets them explore every patch of skin, lets them play as if luffy is trying to learn what a hand is by touching sanji’s alone. luffy is still looking at him, glowing like the sea, hair messy and ruffled and the strawhat just pointing out from where it’s held by the string around his neck. he’s beautiful beyond any measure, and it feels an awful lot like having the all-blue at the tips of his hands, just in reach, staring back at _him_ like he’s anything more than the wretched shell of a person, like he’s- (like he’s precious. but what has he done for it? he’s not. _he’s_ _not-_ ).

“you’re home, sanji.” fingers push his sleeves up, tips caressing the bruised, but not torn skin of his wrists. he can’t breathe, and his head feels dizzy with it, but he also can’t look away and luffy’s hands on him are spreading warmth all over him, running inside his veins with something that sanji can’t fight, is too big for him to stop (he doesn’t want to, even though he should. he’s selfish about this, faced with luffy’s mercy). “i’m so happy you’re home.”

sanji can do nothing but look, paralysed and silent, as luffy brings his face down, turns sanji’s palms up and kisses the inside of his wrists. one after the other. he can barely process the words, because luffy’s lips are chapped, right over where the marks from the handcuffs still hurt his heart, and steady. 

the king, an emperor, kneeling at his feet and pressing his mouth to sanji’s pulse point. (beautiful, so beautiful.) he wants to speak, wants to tell him not to do it, wants to remind him that he doesn’t deserve this and it’s so much, but when he opens his mouth all that comes out is a sob. his tears are falling on the crown of luffy’s head, and he’s trying so hard to at least say his name, the word coming out messy between his hiccuping. luffy kisses his left palm - what a joke of a cook he is, unable to keep his hands steady when it matters the most, zeff would kill him if he saw - and then the tips of each of his fingers. sanji’s hands are weak, and he can’t see well with the tears running down his cheeks, salted water like around them, coloring luffy’s skin. he feels too large, too much, but he reaches.

luffy lets him, smiles wide and bright and so wholefully  _ him _ when sanji cups his cheek with one hand. his eyes crinkle into crescents, and sanji could count his teeth if he wanted; the grin must strain his weary muscles, they can’t not. but luffy doesn’t stop and it takes sanji’s heart hostage, heating him up like a furnace, making him alive. he hasn’t felt like that in so long, he had almost forgotten.

sanji feels selfish for being grateful, but he’s not done enough and if anything of sanji’s can make luffy happy, then it’s already his - he had put his life in luffy’s hands more than once, he had put his craft at the use of the ship, he had put his body into shielding and protecting and bringing from the deep end of the ocean all of this crew. he gave luffy his dream to hold certain. he would give him his hands, every inch of skin, everything they can do, for the rest of his life, if luffy wants him. 

“you wanted me home,” it’s a revelation. it’s more truthful with the way luffy opens his eyes and looks at him. impossibly strong hands are holding his wrists with care, and luffy’s bottom lip feels bitten on when sanji’s thumb caresses it. he’s transfixed by the pull of flesh for an eternity of a second. there’s a half healed cut right there under his pulse.

luffy is solid, warm, a sun under the ocean more beautiful than anything he’s ever seen, more than the light that traveled down to fishman island. sanji loves him - it’s another, not new, revelation. sanji loves him for a long time coming, and loved him more through the years. he would have loved luffy if he never came for him in that sugary hell, will love him if he never becomes king, and it’s so much bigger than him. he can’t fight it, he doesn’t want to anymore. “i do,” is all luffy says, sure like this is a simple truth, like this is easy and- and  _ obvious _ , even. it’s always like this for luffy, nothing unattainable, no mountain too high, just honesty and want and will. he loves him for that, too.

sanji is still crying when he cups luffy’s both cheeks, presses their foreheads together. he closes his eyes like it can stop the tears, but it won’t. luffy is smiling, glowing blue. (his lips taste like home, and when luffy laughs into his mouth, chases after him for more kisses, sanji stops thinking about what he has not done yet. he’s  _ home _ , and his captain wants him here, he has time.)


End file.
